Today I happened to read through my diary which I kept when I was going through the months of diagnosis (december to march). I can't believe how depressed and scared I was. Well, I can. Because it's a scary and depressing thing to go through. But it almost seems I've blocked a lot of it out, so it's amazing to be able to read through a diary from that time. It's also really interesting to read about the development of my symptoms. I know that I am a lot better now, but reading through all that made me realise just how incredibly better I am.
There's a lot about waking up at night with fevers and muscle pains and pins and needles. No wonder I was freaked out. There was one particular entry which talks about how upset I got when I was coming home from work and decided to go to the supermarket and by the time I'd finished my shopping my feet were really sore and I got really frustrated and upset with myself. That must've been a 15 - 20 minute walk at the most. Wow. It's weird but it's almost like I've blocked all that out. When I read it back I do remember it, but it's a bit like it happened to another person, or a horrible nightmare.
I don't know if the plaquenil is helping (I'm now on week 11 so it should be starting to kick in..hmm), or if the past 6 months have just been a natural almost-remission but whatever it is, I'm grateful not to be in that state anymore. It's scary to think I might go back there one day, or that it actually could be much much worse. But for now I'm going to enjoy being fit and well and hopefully this winter will be much better than the last.
I always find it interesting that one day I can be at my worst and the next day feeling better and the worst feelings just disappear. I am glad about that. I would hate to carry them with me every day.
ReplyDeleteYay for you for feeling better. I am happy about that!
A journal/diary would be a valuable tool to have to go back and revisit how you are doing at the present time versus a certain time frame or perhaps to even compare how you handle flares on different meds or how the weather effects your RA.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. When I look back at what it even took to get a diagnosis - not even thinking about being a four, five, and six year old trying to explain what was happening without any clue of how to do so - I feel like it's a miracle I'm still sane.
ReplyDeleteI hope the meds are working for you :)
Thanks guys, you're right if we remembered all the bad times and carried them around then life would be a pretty horrible place. Our brains must forget to protect themselves.
ReplyDeleteTerry that's a good idea about the diary. I'll try it, only I'm so terrible at sticking to things like that! Worth a shot though.