..and back up

I've been feeling much much more positive the last couple of days. I don't know what happened last weekend, some sort of meltdown. I guess that's ok. I'd had a hard week last week, we had a big photo shoot happening at work Thursday/Friday and that took most of my energy to organise and carry out. Maybe I'd just had enough by the time the weekend came around, both in body and spirit. I always think that it's ok to have little wobbles, as long as you don't stay down for too long. So I am up again and ready to move forward. Currently enjoying a rare peaceful evening on my own in the flat, tucking into a jar of Nutella. Dangerous!! Flare-wise, my feet feel much better and haven't hurt for a few days. My hand is still a bit swollen, but it's much better than it was at the weekend. I'm going to wait and see how the rest of the week goes, I have hope that with my renewed positive and stress-free attitude things will improve. I am getting my final vaccine for Peru tomorrow - yellow fever! It's a live vaccine so maybe my immune system will busy itself with creating anti-bodies and leave my joints alone. Hope you all have a restful happy weekend!

Bah

I need to get out of this funk. I'm starting to feel really flat and teary, just wanting to stay in bed on days off. Generally moping and feeling sad. My hand and feet are still playing up. I'm not sure if it's worth calling my rheumatologist for a steroid injection into the finger joint. Maybe next week, see how it goes. Maybe things will turn around on their own. Blah blah blah blah. I'm so sick of this. I really thought I was better, but I guess there is no such thing with RA. Sorry to be so negative, I think I just need to rant. I haven't really spoken to anyone about how I'm feeling just now, because I have been so well for ages and ages and I don't want to drag people down with my problems again. Thing is, I have a new girlfriend.. well, not that new. Almost 5 months now. And I really should tell her what I'm going through (she knows I have RA but doesn't really know the ins and outs of it). Again though, I hate dragging people down with my stuff and I know if I start talking about it the tears will come flowing out. I'm not sure 5 months is long enough to burden someone with this heavy stuff.

Limbo land

I've had a tough week, emotionally. I'm still in a kind of no man's land, not quite flaring and not quite back to normal. As much as I hate to admit it, I have let myself get overwhelmed by feelings of frustration and negativity. I've found myself moping around the house, feeling sorry for myself and my lot in life. Pathetic really, since I'm not suffering that badly physically and even on my own very mild scale of rheumatoid arthritis this is hardly anything to panic about. I'm not seeing any particular signs that this increase in symptoms could get out of control. So I am slightly ashamed of myself and my reaction, but in order to move on I must accept it as something natural and human and something which I can work through. Fear is my biggest enemy and I have to learn to face it head on. During my first ever flare in 2009 I spiralled into a 3 month long depression mostly brought on by fear. I cannot and will not go there again, no matter what happens. Sometimes when things are getting on top of me, I think that I am weak. That I have nothing to complain about, because even in full flare mode I can still go about my daily life without too much pain or restrictions. I think that I am fortunate and feel guilty for feeling so down and depressed. Then I have to remind myself that I have the right to feel down, that RA is a horrible thing to live with no matter what the severity. It's the fear and the disease who are the enemy, not myself or my human emotions. It's ok to be down sometimes, but I have to learn to control my fears about the future before they become more debilitating than my actual symptoms. At the end of the day, a weekend spent moping around the house because you're depressed that something terrible may or may not happen is just letting the disease win. So I got up, dusted myself off and left my house and my fear behind today. And I feel so much better.

Uncertainty

Hmm... it's a funny old ride, this RA business. It sure is a world of swings and roundabouts. As you all know 2011 was a pretty great year for me and RA. For the last 6 months especially, I pretty much had no symptoms apart from some stiffness in the hands. I was hoping this would continue in 2012 but at the moment it's looking unlikely. Earlier this month I had some pretty bad knee pain that I haven't had for a long time. That's gone now but I've also had a few bouts of toe pain and swelling but this does happen to me from time to time so I wasn't too worried. Just this evening some swelling has popped up on my right index finger. It's relatively slight so far but I haven't had any swelling in my hands since Dec 2010 so this can't be good. I know these things are minor for now. But when you've been so well for so long it kind of blind-sights you. All I can do is hope it's just a slight glitch and soon everything will calm down. I'm trying not to panic but I can feel anxiety rising up within me. It's so cruel, how it almost tricks you that it's gone away and then you're brought right back down to earth. I guess I need to remember I am still lucky that I get such good periods inbetween. On a positive note, booked our flights to Peru!

Crazy adventures

Ok so maybe I'm crazy, but my friend and I are in the process of booking a trip to Peru in April. Basically I came into a little bit of money last year and I've always wanted to climb Machu Picchu so I figured I now have the opportunity to do it. There are plenty of places in the world I plan on travelling to, but since I developed RA I thought I'd better go and do this one quickly. Who knows if I'll be in any state to hike up a mountain 5, 10 years from now. Depressing thought, but you never know with this crappy disease. Plus this year at work I've got an extra week holiday allowance as I've been there for 3 years, which allows me to comfortably take 3 weeks off work and then have plenty of holidays left for the rest of the year (yeah, sorry North American friends, we get a lot more holidays!). So everything seems to be falling into place but along with the excitement I'm getting really worried!! Am I mad?? Going to a developing country for 3 weeks and trying to hike up a really big mountain when I have a pretty serious disease on the go here. I mean, I've been feeling well for over a year now with only wee problems here and there but maybe this is pushing my luck! Then again I can't not do this just because I'm scared of what may or may not happen, right?? I am worried about the hiking, as my feet are one of my biggest problems (although much less so now). I'm also worried about the radical change in climate, and the GAZILLION vaccines I have to get before I go. I think I need: Hep A, Hep B, tetanus, typhoid, yellow fever, rabies and malaria tablets. Another reason I think I should go and do this now is because currently my only medication is hydroxychloroquine and that doesn't suppress my immune system therefore I can safely have live vaccines. Who knows if in a few years time I might have to be on MTX and it would be good to have been vaccinated for travel in developing countries before that. Despite all this I am very worried!! I'm sure it'll be amazing and I'm also very excited. Has anyone ever been on an epic adventure with RA in tow?? Any advice?

2011

After work tomorrow I'm heading home to my mum's house for Christmas so I probably won't get another chance to write before the New Year. I guess I just wanted to sum up the last 12 months and reflect on how amazing this year has been. Even though there were hard times, with my great aunt passing away in July, for the most part it's been the best year I've had in a while. I got a promotion and a pay rise in work as well as a big bonus which got me out of debt. I travelled to Paris in February, Portugal in June and Iceland and Berlin in October/Nov all of which were incredible experiences. My arthritis has been sleepy all year and I feel healthy and strong. I've only been to the hospital twice this year for my two check ups and been in there for a total of about 15 minutes. What a contrast to last year when I was getting meds sorted and had to be in there every few weeks!! Also, for the first time since my diagnosis, I feel free from RA in my head. Thoughts about my future with illness don't fill my every waking moment. It's wonderful and I feel so lucky to feel so well in body and in spirit. Last but not least, I have met someone wonderful and we've been going out now for 3 months. It's still very new but I'm very happy and looking forward to the New Year together and getting to know each other more. Basically...I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH LIFE. I am a lucky girl. I wish you all a great Christmas full of love, and hope for a better 2012 for us all.

Check up

I went for my 6 monthly check up this week at the hospital. I didn't see my usual doctor but I saw the consultant this time, only the second time I've met her. She's really nice and remembered me from before. There wasn't really much to say, although I chuckled when she asked me: 'So, do you think the hydroxychloroquine is helping?'. Haha, surely they're the ones that are meant to tell me that? I said I didn't know and she laughed and said 'that's the million pound question isn't it? we sometimes never know if it's the drugs that help or if you would've got better without them.' But she then said to me that she normally likes to have people symptom free for a year before she lets them reduce dosages. To this I replied that I wasn't worried about taking my drugs and I wouldn't want to stop, unless I was totally symptom free (which I'm not) for a good 3-4 years. To be honest I doubt I'll ever get to that point, and I am not aiming or even daring to hope to be drug free. I'm a realist. But my next appointment is at the end of June and I do hope that I will continue to stay stable and pain free.