Sunday, 10 June 2012

Decisions decisions

I'm having a bit of a weird freak out. I'm so bad at making any sort of decision! As you probably know I work as a photographer for a big UK fashion retailer. I've been there 3 years, the job is pretty good but there are a lot of issues as well. It's a 45 minute commute from the city I live in and also I'm not sure of how far I can progress long term. The pay's not great. So I was a bit fed up on Friday and I was searching through job vacancies and I found basically the perfect sounding job for me. One issue - it's in Berlin!!

For about an hour I got really excited, I love Berlin. I was all ready for applying, but then I started freaking out. First of all, all my family and friends are here and I actually do have a really great life in Scotland. I can't really stand the thought of being so far from my mum, we're really close. Second of all, I have a great hospital and doctor for my RA and I have no idea what would happen with that if I moved or if I could handle the stress of moving and having RA. And third of all, it's scary and I don't like change. Hahaha.

But I love Berlin, I have 3 friends who live over there so I would know some people. The weather is WAY better and I'd probably get to learn new things about photography, maybe even to speak German.

I know I should apply but I am such a chicken. All these 'what ifs' running around in my head. I don't know what to do! I know most people would probably say 'go for it!' but I think having RA has really shaken up my confidence about these things. At the moment I'm settled, if I need time off my job gives me that. I'm close to my support network. But then I don't want my illness to hold me back either. OH I JUST DON'T KNOW!

They probably wouldn't hire me anyway haha. Freaking out over nothing, as per usual.


  1. Hmmmm. How about applying and THEN worrying about whether to take the job, how you're going to manage, how you'll get along without friends and family nearby, etc...

    You're a terrific photographer. If the pay is better, you love the place you'd be living and there's a chance for you to progress in your career, it's worth at least trying for the job, right? Right. I say go for it. Such leaps are what life is all about.

    Much love to you Squirrel. Hugs, too.

    1. I'm with Wren on applying and then worrying whether to take it. I have some pretty big anxiety about change but find that the answer usually comes to me eventually. I think if the job is offered to you, you'll probably know deep down if this is what you really want.

      Thinking about you with this decision, Squirrel! I freak out over nearly EVERYTHING, lol :)

    2. I'm with Wren and Pony on this also. Apply and see where it takes you. I understand all to well about RA shaking up your confidence, but if you do get the job and on down the road you decide it isn't best for you, you have still gained some new knowledge and experience. Sometimes you have to make your future ... and most times it's a little scary.

  2. RA is a great confidence shaker, isn’t it? I think, however, we cannot live our lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been waiting for four years for the other shoe to drop and it has not yet dropped. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with RA symptoms but they have not forced to have extended periods away from my job nor have they forced me to leave my job altogether. Don’t let your life with what ifs because they will hold you back. Think about what the job will offer and whether that is what you want rather than whether RA will hold you back. The future with or without RA is unknown. You cannot know what the future holds if you do not make an effort to find out. Good luck!

  3. This saying always helps clarify tough decisions for me regarding my ankylosing spondylitis (a relative to RA). "I may have arthritis, but it doesn't have me." Its up to you whether or not it will stop you. I'd at least apply for it. You never know the outcome until you at least try. That goes for having RA (or any time of arthritis) or not.