Sunday, 5 February 2012
I've had a tough week, emotionally. I'm still in a kind of no man's land, not quite flaring and not quite back to normal. As much as I hate to admit it, I have let myself get overwhelmed by feelings of frustration and negativity. I've found myself moping around the house, feeling sorry for myself and my lot in life. Pathetic really, since I'm not suffering that badly physically and even on my own very mild scale of rheumatoid arthritis this is hardly anything to panic about. I'm not seeing any particular signs that this increase in symptoms could get out of control. So I am slightly ashamed of myself and my reaction, but in order to move on I must accept it as something natural and human and something which I can work through. Fear is my biggest enemy and I have to learn to face it head on. During my first ever flare in 2009 I spiralled into a 3 month long depression mostly brought on by fear. I cannot and will not go there again, no matter what happens. Sometimes when things are getting on top of me, I think that I am weak. That I have nothing to complain about, because even in full flare mode I can still go about my daily life without too much pain or restrictions. I think that I am fortunate and feel guilty for feeling so down and depressed. Then I have to remind myself that I have the right to feel down, that RA is a horrible thing to live with no matter what the severity. It's the fear and the disease who are the enemy, not myself or my human emotions. It's ok to be down sometimes, but I have to learn to control my fears about the future before they become more debilitating than my actual symptoms. At the end of the day, a weekend spent moping around the house because you're depressed that something terrible may or may not happen is just letting the disease win. So I got up, dusted myself off and left my house and my fear behind today. And I feel so much better.